It has been a while since I have posted anything on the site. I must have sat down and started something a hundred times, but it has all felt contrived, formulaic, and uncomfortable: try making some new dish, write ingredients, write procedure, delete; eat in some new place, write flowery review of how “innovative” or “lacking” certain dishes are, delete; feel one way or another about something going on in the world, write it down, delete. To be honest, it has been defeating.
To compensate, I have been pouring myself into other hobbies instead. Some of them are one’s I’m falling in love with again (fishing, bushcraft, etc.), and some are totally new (trying my hand at carving, for example). Throughout it all, though, I’ve felt the nagging desire to write. As I’m walking through the woods, I want to write about the feeling of coming alive in a way I just don’t when I’m on a sidewalk. When I’m on the water, I want to put to paper how centering it is to paddle a creek or watch a gangly heron chick in the reeds.
In order to ease myself back into writing, I have tried putting things down with the intention of deleting or burning them after I’m done. That may seem odd to some, but to me it makes perfect sense. Silence and simplicity are things on which I have always placed tremendous value, and I have always been a very private person. A piece intentionally written for me and with a temporary existence just seems to be a natural extension of that. It is said, and then it is gone. My running inner monologue is indulged, and then it is carried away as a wisp of smoke or the click of a key.
I think it is working. It is still uncomfortable for me to write something that others might read, but, gradually, I am coming to understand and accept that wanting to do so is now a part of who I am. Most of what I write will still live in a folder on my desktop, but I’m starting to be more okay with the idea of burning less and sharing more of it. My intention is to gradually start posting new, different pieces that are more of what I enjoy doing and communicating. The core of me will always be sitting under a spruce tree, fiddling with a bow drill, and toiling for that first coal to glow into existence, but I guess I’ll write about it now.